Day 51. Bring on the Sun.

I want a tan. It's a shallow sentence about a shallow endeavor but I don't care. I am convinced that it would conceal some of my skin issues and give me more confidence. And really, it's confidence that I want.

I recently spent close to $100 on makeup. I'm a bargain hunter, but after one particularly frustrating day of using $8 foundation to try and hide my ever-present blotches I took my anger out on...my bank account, apparently. I bought that "miracle BB cream" which is all the rage and I have to say...fuck you, miracle BB cream. I bought the palest possible shade and it still went on orange no matter how much I "blended" (read: rubbed further and further into my pores). It also looked terrible because of the peach fuzz covering my cheeks. So, I used a schmancy "gentle, soothing, facial hair removal cream". Cue chemical burn on my cheeks. The burn healed within the day, but not without leaving behind a wake of blemishes on my cheeks. I'm already tolerating them on my chin and forehead, now they have tainted my innocent cheeks?!

Skin, why do you fight me? Why can't we just work together? I'm really trying for you. I have almost mastered the rejection of refined sugar, I've stopped drinking milk, I drink more water and hardly any alcohol, I've even changed prescriptions for the promise of improved complexion...

I'm at a loss. Some of the most cherished, distinct male actors in history have a face full of acne scars. It gives them "character". A woman with acne scars? Well, she might get such roles as "meth addict", "unpopular high schooler" or "actor not ever securing work".  I'm sick of this. I daydream about getting back to film, but it turns into a daymare when I remember that more than my emotion is highlighted on camera. I don't have the balls to be in a closeup right now. And no one wants to watch a movie where the heroine strategically wears scarves and lowers her head so her hair covers her face.

I can hear the backlash already. 'Oh, they use special effects and have professional makeup artists and are airbrushed and it's an unattainable image of beauty'. I'd LOVE to not only believe that (which I do, not being an idiot and all) but to believe that theory is absolute. Unfortunately, I've seen entirely too many girls  in "real life" with impeccable, glowing skin. And I've watched them eat bags of sour keys. And a part of me dies.