Day 118. FitBit

I'm starting this!!

It was a gift and I think its cool and gadget-like.

http://www.fitbit.com/store

Check it out.

I'm at a loss for more to say I feel like I am repeating myself so .... just look into fitbit :)

Day 116. Bacon and eggs.

I think it's official. I can stay on any diet as long as I can eat bacon.

mmmm bacon.

I've been dieting for the past monthish. It's been emotional but the strange thing is it hasn't been that hard. Why? because I allow myself to eat as much fat and meat as I want. I don't end up eating that much fat but boy when I am hungry and the thought of a salad makes me laugh I think--- Bacon and eggs --- and I am at peace with not having bread and having very little sugar and dairy.

I'm on a low carb diet as most of you know. I'm also staying away from dairy because it makes me all stuffed up and itchy. I've been fighting for this for a while. I'm not really fighting anymore.

I went to see Oprah earlier this month and everyone decided on a popular Italian place for dinner. Bread and balsamic and oil is the starter and then the menu is littered with cheese and pasta dishes. I'm a carbaholic, and I was tempted, but what kept me on track was the bacon wrapped tenderloin I dug into with the strawberry and pecan salad on the side. Fuck you bread and pasta. I found something delicious and satisfying and BETTER for me then you. Yes I miss your comforting coma, YES I miss your sweet softness and the way you fill my belly up to the top BUT, fuck you I like me more.

Don't get me wrong. If I ate bacon wrapped tenderloin all day every day I would start to feel like shit I'm sure. The point is I don't. I don't need to. I feel good just knowing I can have it when I want. That's enough.

I'm the lowest I've been in over a year. I will celebrate when I break out of the dreaded 200.

Since January and since starting this blog I've lost and gained 15 lbs about 4 times. I've broken that cycle --- I'm on the way --- there were a lot of blocks and I'm sure I'll see them again and again. I feel power in knowledge though. It shouldn't have mattered that much but now that I know for SURE I have something standing in my way ( pcos ) I'm MORE determined.

I need to get back on the blog wagon though. I'm having a hard time keeping this commitment. I'm working on it. Stop yelling.

Day 102. Back to Business.

In the last month I have had tons of vacation time off of work and now recently sick time. I don't think I have any co-workers reading this blog so I can say that I don't love my job. I am well aware that there are so many things I can do that are worse but I miss the days when I used to be excited to get up and go somewhere every day. I'm getting to an age where I don't want to hate what I'm doing to make money. I want to want to work late to get something done I want to only take my vacation time because I have an awesome trip planned... not to get away from my job even if it is just to stay home.

Whine, whine, whine. I have a job and I should get over it. Having a job that you can at least not cry because you have to go to ( I've had those too) is better than not having a job at all. Money is a major stress and for me stress equals weight.

So what does one do? She finds something she likes to do and works with people she likes to work with and takes a job that doesn't kill the dream of being an actress.

The hunt is on.

Day 100!!!!!!!!!! Friends Forever.

Geeeeeek

I guess I get day 100. Pretty great considering I'm the one shitting the bed with keeping up with these blogs.... who's idea was it to write one every second day???? PAAAAIIIIGGGGEEEE.

This post is dedicated to my lady friend... the lovely Paige.

We started kinda funny really.... she was friends with my ex-boyfriend first but we all went to school together. Here is the thing we only really became friends AFTER school. I can't even tell you how it all happened. We would run into each other at social events and school stuff and we seemed to be on the same page ( he he ) about a lot of people and ideas and opinions ... I can't tell you what really really started the full blown out love. I can't.

Eventually we were texting about stuff  kinda girl stuff kinda diet stuff kinda interesting stuff she worked right beside where I lived and worked and I started to go out of my way to say hi in person... and maybe get a free coffee... DON'T JUDGE ME. One day she came over after work and got loser drunk ( I was on a diet ( shocking ) and didn't drink ) and she poured out her soul... if you know Paige you know she is usually tight lipped about stuff and all of a sudden I looked at her drinking her drink smiling through her drunk tears and thought... huh we're really good friends I love this gal.

That was about it we always seemed to be in sync with stuff... both of us breaking up with our live-in boyfriends, both of us being poor, both of us from Ontario, both of us needing a break from Vancouver, both of us animal lovers... the list goes on.

She has been one of the easiest friends to stay in contact with and the ONE person I feel no judgment from about eating shit. How lovely.

SO. I VOW I will get back into the game with the blogging by the end of Monday the 15th I shall be caught up!!!

P.S Is now a good time to tell my trying to be vegan friend that I'm on an all meat diet?

Maybe next post.

velvet dresses forever.

Love Jess

Day 96. SOO Whatcha Doin?

Ever since I was told I had PCOS I've been living a low carb lifestyle. It's been surprisingly easy most of the time. Anytime you can have bacon for breakfast and steak for dinner it doesn't feel like you are on a diet.

I know there are tons of voices out there saying that low carb is bad for you well to them I say blah blah blah I know for a FACT that high carb foods make me gain weight and I've stayed in my calories and felt satisfied and have enjoyed eating for the past two weeks and I STILL lost 11 lbs. What I'm starting to understand is that what works for you doesn't mean it works for me. Our bodies are all different and maybe Paige can have a bagel with low fat cheese and lose weight the next day... ( maybe not.. just saying) I know I can't do that. If I have 3 slices of bacon and 2 eggs and a cup of coffee with full cream and I feel great full of energy and ready to take on the world AND I still lose weight-I will take that over being starving from a bagel and cheese and gaining weight any day. I think being a healthy weight and eating higher protein and fat foods is much healthier than being over weight and eating low fat higher carb foods but I'm not a doctor. My Doctor does say to eat low carb though. To all of the voices out there I say take that.

Day 94. AHHHH Answers.

So.

I've been feeling miserable for years. Anyone who has been reading the blog will know I can be a bit of a scattered mess. Boy do I try though.

I have been fighting with my weight my whole life, but I've been in a full out war for the last 4-5 years. I'm talking epic. I moved away from my beloved city to give myself a chance to heal and figure out what the hell was going on. In July I started seeing a new family Doctor. She was fantastic and said, ok, those are your symptoms it sounds like this --- PCOS --- now lets find proof. Well nothing came up in lab tests. NOTHING. I was as healthy as a horse... on paper. I was still having horrible symptoms so off to a specialist I went.

Turns out I was as healthy as a horse... the horse on the way to the glue factory that is.
My new specialist said yes on paper everything looks normal but if you stop just looking at the numbers alone and compare them against each other it was out of whack. Along with my symptoms (having a hard time losing weight, not having my period for 8 months... among others) that was enough for her to give me the news.

What does this mean to me?

My hormones are fucked up. My body tells itself lies!! A hugh lie being that I need to produce more and more insulin which is a hugh reason I'm fat. When insulin levels are spiked insulin holds onto fat. My body produces WAAAAY too much insulin so basically everything I eat gets turned into fat. Even if i'm trying to diet if I eat the wrong calories I'm fucked.

Also a bunch of other lies but thats the most important one to me.

What can I do about it?

Go on the birth control pill and be on a low carb diet and add in exercise.
This will never go away I can just control the effect it has on me.
All together now--- BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I'll tell you how she goes. You'll be hearing a lot about it. Trust me.

Day 92 . Some Information If You Please .

Here is a link that describes what I will be talking about a lot for the rest of the year.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome

After many months of doctors and tests it seems this is what is wrong with me. I have PCOS or Polycystic ovary syndrome.

It's a lot of reading on it's own, so I'll leave you with that and tell you my experience in another blog.

At least I have an answer now!

Day 90. Be effected.

I am a majorly emotional person.

I covered it up by trying not to feel anything. When a kid I was teaching cried I'd sneer and say suck it up princess the water isn't that cold. When a puppy cried to be let out of a kennel I'd think - give it attention and they win. When a horrible story came on the news I'd think Yes that is horrible. That is all. I didn't let my mind wander to the families I didn't think of what this horrible news would do to anyone else.

I've been working on breaking for the last few years. At the risk of sounding like the fat girl who cries into her cookies I really have stuffed my feelings. I went to acting school and found a crack in my armor and since then I've been eating. eating. and eating.

I'm letting myself be effected. It fucking sucks sometimes. I started crying at EVERYTHING. News, commercials, adele. ADELE, how much I loved my dog... you get the idea.

But I don't binge anymore. I don't need to be the chub a chub not shedding a single tear and being a tough mama and then going home and eating ice cream. I feel like I'm coming from a different place now. Relearning how to eat and relearning how to make choices. I'm not desperate anymore. I'm fucking scared and still sad sometimes. But that's another post.

Day 88. Layers.

I've come to see my fat as layers.

I am covered in layers. I can see thick rings around me. I can see the core isn't a big fat blob. I can see these things. I now need to work for them.

I am blown away that it has been almost 100 days since we started this. I didn't diet. I didn't binge like crazy I for sure had a few moments where I ate too much but it wasn't the uncontrollable good-god-almighty-I'm-sick moments I've had in my past.

I like eating healthy and I don't like exercising . I live in cycles.

These things are all true. I also want to get rid of these layers. I'm ready for a little hard work.

I'm about to move into a phase where I am going to try to get this shit off and not put the crazy guilt and pressure of dieting and saying no to myself. There HAS to be a balance of feeding myself but also saying no to myself. I need to be smarter than my dieting ninja.

So the time has come to work for it. NOT diet, NOT say no to everything, NOT kill myself at the gym. Just work for it.

Day 76 . Traveling.

I'm going on a plane.

I love planes. I love airports. I love to travel.

There is something about traveling that says don't worry about what you are eating. Is it the loss of routine? Is it the excitement? Is it the nerves? Or is it just me?

I can be doing amazingly well with my eating habits and then BAM I walk into the airport and it seems like a GREAT idea to have hash browns or a sugary coffee.

It would make sense if I was going to an exotic place but I am going to Vancouver. I think of it as home... it is not exotic at all. If it were about eating new things I would be eating BETTER.

I think some tips to keep in mind are.

1. Eat before you go to the airport.
2. Bring snacks.
3.Remember how close you sit to someone and think about how bad you'll smell when you eat something gross and greasy.
4. Think about how bloated you get on the plane and maybe choose water instead of salt.
5. Think about the people meeting you on the other end and how you won't have a chance to brush your teeth and you will smell all greasy.

These tips don't help me. Sugar and grease always win. But good luck!

Day 74. Wax on Wax off.

A girl needs to get a wax once in a while.

Now I'm a baby I have a high pain tolerance I'd say BUT I hate pain. HATE it.

I'm really embracing loving the body I have NOW and taking care of myself as if I were my perfect size. For me that means grooming myself like I was a porn star. eeeer. Maybe just a movie star.. same same?

I've been having some fun. I got my nails done and some waxing done. Let me tell you. I've had lady waxing done before and it was the WORST ever painful and my girl was rude and not sensitive to how sensitive I was. This time was amazing. I went to an Aveda spa where the clientele all looked like they perhaps were there to get their hair done AAAAND the stick pulled out of their ass. My waxer ladies (yes they are called estheticians ) were great though quick and friendly and not one of them said aren't you too fat to care about waxing? Which I thought was a plus.


sooo smoooth sailing from here my friends he he he .

I decided to be my own best friend and do waxing because I'm lazy and if I don't invest the money I sure as hell won't invest the time.

This is the body I have NOW and I want it smooth.

Day 72. It IS Time

Well my lovely girl Paige has inspired me in many ways.

This time was a mix of her, Dr.Oz, my aunt and my mother.

All equally important - where it comes to opinions about diet and health I mean.

So I wanted a quick juice cleanse and this little diddy came out in my family conversation.

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/dr-ozs-3-day-detox-cleanse-one-sheet

I'd like to remind everyone that I have a vita mixer and I would NOT do this cleanse without a super strong blender because there is a lot of blending to do my friend.

I am on day three right now and it is good - I am looking forward to eating again and I am now fully aware of how much coffee I was having.

Energy = great

Hunger = not much only late at night

Breakouts = none

Poopyness = very little ( would expect a lot more )

Satisfying =nooooot reeeaaaallly I would like to eat something soon please.

My mom and aunt both didn't do the snack shake but I did and I liked it. My aunt finished and did well with it. My mom doesn't feel great but she says she feels full. I feel great; I am just dying for a coffee and a bowl of quinoa.

Good little gentle cleanse.

You eat TONS of fruits and veggies all in smoothie form.

BK is a raspberry almond butter banana sensation

lunch- kale,apple,lime,celery fun bath

Supper- blueberry Cayenne pepper and avocado

Surprisingly the dinner shake is the best.

This cleanse was built to reset your hormones, and I think it would be great to do a few times a year and maybe to use some of the shakes in day to day life. However all day shakes only is a little hard to handle.

I will let you know when its all said and done and how I feel after eating again.

Day 70. Read em and Weep.

When you play Scrabble ... wait hold it... I don't play scrabble - I can't spell .

When you play poker and you get dealt 5 cards ( none of this wimpy texas hold'em ) Are you the  type to play with what you have ? Good or Bad?  With shitty cards you bluff, with great cards you make everyone think you have nothing, then BAM take every cent they own?

I ask because I think it relates to how you deal with life. When I get shitty cards I play until someone challenges me then I fold. If I have great cards I am not sneaky about it and come away with half of what I could have.

When I play with strangers they underestimate me and I always win. I'm not a bad card player but when I play with family I almost always lose. They don't underestimate me.

What I'm saying is I'm starting to learn to stop feeling like such a sucky victim. I'm starting to learn to stop feeling so defeated. I'm starting to play the cards I have, regardless of what they are. My advice is: don't underestimate me. :)

Day 68. In Like a Lion.

Out like a lamb :)

I love lions.

I like drama. I like every situation to have a bit of flare. Spring has a lot of flare. Color, flowers, a little heat, a little cold. JEAN JACKETS!!  It's my season.

Sping is also about re-birth and new changes and new starts -yay yay yay. This spring I am starting at a gym. My mom will be my gym buddy.

I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I'll start out so well. I know exercise will make a huge difference for me. I don't diet, I don't restrict, I also don't binge and although this is probably the healthiest I've ever eaten. I also am not losing weight. Or if I am its at a snails pace. I've kept what I've lost off. My clothes are semi-loose but not enough to move down another size, and I've been in this position for about a month. I have a lot of travelling to do this month and my goal is to not gain and to not eat like shit. That's it. I start the gym in April and that will be my new level. I will last - I will - I will.

Day 66. OK OK OK

HEYOOOO


I know you must be thinking if I haven't been writing I must be doing horribly.

Not reaaaalllllyyyyy true.

I just got pissed off at life. I got pissed off at trying and falling and when I got back up, I was so proud that I got back up that I didn't want to do another new beginning post.

It isn't a new beginning. This is my life. This year has kinda sucked. I am trying my best. I am an angry little girl.

The good?

I got a gym membership for a year . The year starts in april. It was a good deal and even if I only use the classes for a few months it'll be worth it.

I didn't gain any weight back from my fall. I didn't start a new fad diet either. However I was tempted.

I hardly ever have dairy anymore and my wheat consumption has been cut down by at least 75%. Sugar is never added but I don't freak out if its in something.

I can do better. I can always do better. I am going to go back and fill in blogs. I will aim to address things that I feel hold me back. Should be interesting... I hope :)